Lily in Church Waitin' for Holies

It was a long mass, there were lotsa babies before us, like 25. She was real good. And super cute and slippery in her dress. Which she didn't even barf on once!

Holy Babies, Batman!

At the Basilica of St. Mary on April 6th: The troupe of holies makes our way up to the altar to christen Miss Lily. Dad is holding Lily, Godmother Sue is next to him, Godfather Steve behind them, Grandparents Jack and Mary bring up the rear. Mommy is holding the camera.

Hallucinating?

I'm taking Ambien CR for sleep, and guess what? I'm not sleeping! I just feed the baby and here I am, writing. Feeling pukey. I haven't written here in a while because it's all just been a bit overwhelming.

I'm on my third winter cold/stomach thing. Winter? you say? Isn't it April? Uh, yes, that is also my query. It was snowing today and in the 30's. Two days ago we had 30mph winds and ice pellets, the day John had changed his bike tires for spring weather. He drove that day. I hibernated, crabbily.

The weather is really affecting my mood and whether and I'm getting out of the house, which is in part affected by how sick I am. I'm also on new preventive meds for my headaches, and just this week reached the goal dose so will now flatten out on that and get used to it, after a month of ramping up.

We used the last bag of frozen breast milk on Lily's 10-month birthday a couple days ago, which means my frozen stuff lasted a whole month after I quite pumping. Impressive. Say it's impressive, dammit! So I feel sad. The end of an era. An epic I never knew I'd be so big a part of for so long. Of course now I feel useless. I'm just a name, Mom, but what do I really provide? I know, shut up. Hey, I told you I need to get out more, if it would just stop frickin' snowing. Every time it warms up we race outside for a family walk and bask in the light.

So, no, I'm not sleeping well. And this stupid Ambien only seems to make me hallucinate. Not a side effect I'm fond of. Think I'll go back to the Klonipin. Meanwhile, I'm down to pumping about once every couple of days, and yesterday I stopped wearing a bra 24/7 for the first time in 10 months. No bra, no leaky pads, I felt naked. Wow, it's nice. They still get a bit sore, and that's when I know I need to pump to get some relief, but mostly I'm done with it. Phew! And I thought it would never END!!!

It's only 2 weeks until I go visit my family and I'm on my own with Lily. I hope we'll be okay with Wendy's help the first few days. I know it will be a respite but also really hard for John to be away from Lily for that long. I hope Lily can stand it, she is always so wiggly and thrilled to see him every day when he comes home from work. I hope we can enjoy that First Class seat from Uncle Mikey, what a prince!

Mommy and 2 works of art

I know, lame caption, but I couldn't think of anything else. This is me at a community art event next to a piece I made, a shrine to Amelia Earhart. I carved two rubber stamps of her image for it, one of her as a child, which you can see on the open right door, and a famous image of her in her flightsuit in the middle. The art show was the 22nd of March but I still don't know if it sold because they were so bloody disorganized. Lily and Sue came with me to the event and Lily was great. I had to carry her around and it was totally mobbed and hot and there was nowhere to sit so we didn't stay long. I hate how my hair looks. I can't get it to behave. I'm not using this perm person again, she f-ed it up last time, too. I just can't get it to do anything. As soon as it dries I look like I haven't combed it for a week. I can call it Avant Garde but really it just looks like crap.

Toot!! Toot!! Baby Come Blow Your Horn

All ashore what's goin' ashore! Here's Lily blowing the milk horn. Actually it's the cone from my pump. I had to stop in the middle of this pumping because she didn't want to be in the bouncy chair anymore, hence the minscule amt. of milk in the bottle on my desk. This is such a great picture of the carnage, I mean the dignity, of pumping. You can also see my fembot bra hanging over the pump in the background. Oh, and I'm wearing a neck brace for my physical therapy. Which has nothing to do with pumping, just with the pretzeled state of my body that causes migraines. I have a weak neck, evidently. So I gotta wear this brace to give me neck a rest sometimes. Lily likes to scratch it. If we had a cat I bet the cat would want to scratch it, too. Why does it sometimes seem like the baby is a cat? She sharpens her claws scratching them on different furniture, just like a cat.

That's IT!

That's all, I'm done making milk. Actually, I'm not, I still have to pump twice a day right now, but with the bad headaches I had this week, I decided it was time to hang it up and start taking the migraine preventive and just pump and dump, as much as that waste pains me. Speaking of pain, my breasts hurt. Still. I thought they would stop that by now. Not yet.

So at this moment, I'm doing my last productive pumping, that is, the last milk I'll save. We've been using some formula all along, and have been changing the proportion of breast milk to formula this last month, so Lily is fine with it. And we even still have some milk in the freezer.

And of course, the Topomax will have to build up in my system for several weeks (it's one of those you ramp up on dose gradually) before I know if it's going to do any good, so my daily headaches won't magically go away tomorrow. But at least I'll know I'm doing something to get to that goal. I just couldn't stand it anymore. And I did do 9+ months of breast milk, which I think is damn commendable, especially with all my challenges. So long, milk.

Travelocity BITES: Not Baby-Friendly

I was booking a flight last night and thought I could do it through Travelocity, which I usually use for travel plans, yet through the whole process I could not find where to put in a reservation for Lily to be sitting on my lap. Finally, before purchasing the ticket, I called their customer service. After listening to a bunch of recorded crap I just pressed zero and the recorded voice said, "All right, before I transfer you, let me ask you a couple more questions." No!!! When I finally got to talk to a person, who was obviously not in this country, she had to explain to me that it was not possible to make a reservation online for a baby traveling on your lap. You had to do it over the phone. Oh, and if you choose to make your reservation over the phone, they charge you an extra $25. But then, I didn't have a choice. I pointed this out to her and she just confirmed that it was true, I had to do it that way. So I said ba-bye.

I made my reservations directly through the airline instead, which was another fiasco, but I'm too crabby to talk about that right now. At least I have a ticket, finally. I have to go nap by my adorable baby now so I can be less crabby. That's baby magic.

Ha ha ha!!

She loves to laugh. She's such a happy fun fun baby.

Fuggedabowdid

Hey, Vinnie, c'mere, I wanna talk to you about da bizness.

Cute new clothes!

Aw, look at the widdle pumpkin! In her turtleneck, lacy jeans, and little blue shoes! She is very fun to dress, I have to admit. Everything looks good on her. Last night we were in SuperTarget shopping, and this woman in line ahead of us turned around and said "That is the cutest baby I have ever seen!" That was nice. But I mean, duh. Just kidding.

Look! A Distraction!

So I wore the cabbage leaves for one weird day. I did have some plugged ducts and they dissolved, but I don't know if it was because of the cabbage. I just felt too icky and stinky to wear them again the next day, or even that night. Who wants to sleep wrapped in cabbage? And John thought it was just a distractive measure, so you wouldn't think so much about how long it was taking for the milk to stop.

And really, the milk is almost stopped now. I'm pumping about once every twelve hours, and I'm not getting any more pluggages like I was at first, which was very painful. And I don't feel like I'm going to explode. I just want to kill people. I am the most irritable woman on the planet right now and I know it and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I know it's the hormones going all wonky with the change in milk production, but so? I can't turn it off, I'm just so goddammn crabby. Everything gets on my last nerve, like I'm just one big nerve. It's real pleasant to be around me. Ask John.

It snowed again last night, just to stick it to us Minnesotans that we aren't out of winter yet. And it's very wet and now it's above freezing, so there are great big glops of snow plopping all over the roof right now, like big poops being thrown at the house. It makes me crabby. But hey, what doesn't right now?

Lily is taking a nap right now, which doesn't make me crabby, it does make me happy. And Cocoa is in daycare, so she won't be pestering me and waking up the baby by hopping up and down on the bed trying to get my attention like I'm just a big dumb human who doesn't get it that I should be letting the dog outside every 3 minutes to check for squirrels. Bah!

The Wearing of the Green

Cabbage, that is. I've got in on. In. In my bra. Ew, it just feels so WEIRD. I felt like some kind of food perv putting cabbage leaves on my breasts. Jeeeeeeez. I mean, it's not so much an indignity, and I've experienced many indignities since this Mommy journey began. It's just so bizarre. But if it works, hey. I'll be a cabbage evangelist.

I've having a weird day. I got up late this morning cuz baby let me sleep in (yeah, that was after husband fed baby at 6am, so he gets gold stars, too), and when I got up and took her downstairs and put her on her playmat and turned on the little musical dog, he started playing different music! My first thought was, I'm not really awake yet, this is a dream. Actually my first thought was that I wasn't hearing it right. So I turned it up louder. Different music. Not drastically different, like it didn't start playing Stairway to Heaven, just subtly different. Which was actually creepier than if it had been Stairway to Heaven. Because then I would have known it was some kind of joke. So I let it play though a couple cycles and it was still different!! So when I get a minute I call John and ask him about it, and I turn it on in the background and...it goes back to the way it was!!! I'm in the Twilight Zone, it's confirmed. But I swear it was different. I was in Band, people, I know what I'm talking about. It was the same tunes, just slightly different phrasing and instrumentation. Really. I'm not crazy.

We Iz Havin' Fun!

This is a really good picture of my teeth. But seriously, I love playing with Lily. It took me a while to get used to it, how to play with a baby. I felt like I needed the list of instructions, like she was a board game. Then we just started noodling around and it got easier. Now I let her sort of lead me in what she wants to do. Sometimes she wants to just lie on the mat and ponder one of her toys, and sometimes she wants me to pull her up and stand, and sometimes she wants me lie down next to her so she can grab my nose. And I'll do anything for a giggle.

This morning before John left for work and I was still in bed, I could hear her being very fussy while he was trying to get ready (it's hard to be ready when you have baby barf on your trousers) and when he handed her over, he put her in the bed next to me. At first I just played with her hands and expected I'd have to get up in a couple minutes, then she pulled one of her socks off and I was so engrossed in massaging her little toes that I didn't notice at first how quiet she'd gotten. Then I realized she'd fallen asleep. Hooray! Today was also Cocoa's day for doggie day care, so we didn't have her pestering us to go out, or pacing in and out of the room. So we slept for about 2 hours. It was a wonderful nap. She had one sock off and one sock on. Sometimes she'd wake up a little bit and look at me, and I'd smile and put my hand around her cheek, and this would calm her back to sleep. Wow. How wonderful.

Carrots is my Favewit!

Eaten with gusto.

Get Me Off The Milk Train

Holy lattes, Batman, who knew it would be so hard to get information on how to STOP lactating?! I looked in What To Expect in the First Year, which had nothing. Let me qualify that, it had nothing about mommy, just about baby. How to wean baby. But how to stop the milk? That just magically happens, I guess, because the author totally skipped that step. Thanks. Bitch. I hate those books anyway.

Then I looked in The Nursing Mother's Companion, which one of the lactation Nazis--I mean nurses--gave me. Good Lord, I'm glad I haven't been reading this book. First of all, the info on weaning is in the toddler section. As in, I live in a hippie commune and am going to nurse until my child enters elementary school. That was the first red flag. Then there's this bit of encouragement, and I quote:

All mothers have mixed feelings about nursing at times. Keep in mind that weaning will not help your child sleep through the night, improve your relationship with your partner, make you less tired or less bored, or make the baby less dependent on you.

Um, can you say intimidation? Where did the author get this inspired bit of twaddle? Oh. My. God. If ever I was going to burn a book, I think this might be the one.

Did I mention that I'm crabby? That's one of the symptoms you get when you are trying to stop lactating. I'm not kidding. So I researched on the internet and found some useful information, but it wasn't easy to find. What's up with that? So basically what you do is what I thought: pump less often. And pump less milk. As in, don't pump until you're empty, because that stimulates more milk production. But there's this delicate balance. If you don't pump enough, you get engorged (such a nice word) and your breasts feel like you've been hit by a truck, and you can get plugged ducts and even mastitis. Super. But if you pump too much, you aren't making any progress toward stopping the milk production. You have to basically fool your body into stopping. This seems very strange to me, just on an evolutionary level. Why haven't our bodies adapted to stop the milk easier? I mean sure, maybe in cavewoman days, I would have needed to breastfeed my cave-baby for years and years and so my body wouldn't naturally want to stop. But hello? No more cavepeople? For like, a long time now.

Other little nuggets of advice I found:

• Don't bind your breasts to stop milk production, this can cause plugged ducts and mastitis. Holy cow! Like I would ever do that! Jesus, it's called torture, people.
• Use cabbage leaves, as in, put them in your bra during the day. They help draw out moisture and dry you up. And underneath you look like Venus sprouting from the sea. Or something arty like that. But cabbage? How freaky is that? But I have heard it works, from a mom who had plugged ducts. I also hear you'll never eat cabbage again. Like I'm eating it a lot now? Will it ruin cole slaw, too?
• Do overarm exercises, which will help reabsorb the milk from your breasts back into the rest of your body. So I'll just have milk floating around? Weird.
• Take 2000 mg of B6 for five days. That's like 10 million percent of the RDA. Sounds kinda dangerous, think I'll skip that one.
• Drink Sage Tea. Hmm, maybe I'll try that. It probably tastes like crap.
• Wear a supportive bra. That's easy enough. But the idea is just kind of funny to me, that if you're not holding your breasts in place, if they're all dangly and loose and running to and fro, they'll fill up with milk easier. So I have to box them, restrict their movements, to stop the milk.
• Don't restrict your fluid intake. Well, that's good, because it's hard enough for me to get a glass of water as it is. I don't like matchy-matchy boring sets of glasses (or any dishware, really), so I have all these interesting glasses with colorful images (like Camp Snoopy or Walt Disney World) on them, and Lily is now grabbing for them when I try to get a drink.

It should take 2-3 weeks, but of course everyone is different. I could deal with a couple more weeks of this. But after that, if it's not stopping, I don't know what the hell I'll do. I've heard about these pills you can take to stop milk production, that are also used to treat Parkinson's, but there's a lot of conflicting information out there about them, including that they have bad side effects. But one woman said her doctor gave them to her but was very stingy about it, didn't want all these mothers running to him for these pills just because they didn't want to breastfeed. Like that's his call? Oy. I don't really want any more pills, I'm taking enough pills. But we'll see. I guess I have to go buy some cabbage now. Pray for me.

Trade-Awful

So I'm finally doing it, I'm weaning. It feels more like I'm weaning myself than the baby. She is eating less milk now that she's eating solids, but really we can still give her formula. But I am pumping less and less and I'm not sore all the time, which is really a relief. Unfortunately, this means my hormone levels are changing, and I should have realized this: hormone levels changing means major headaches. Not that I haven't been having headaches almost every day anyway. But these are worse. So I'm trying to just deal as best I can. Take the Percoset, don't drive anywhere, hope Lily will want naps so I can zonk out. Stay calm, be quiet. Get through it. So if I'm supposed to be writing you or sending you something and I'm late, please cut me some slack. Thanks.

End of Day

Oh so snuggly, and holding her little handmade dollie from Art Auntie Kathy C. Life is good.

Green Bean Grin

It's smiles like this that melt my crabby heart. So what if this is the 2nd bib and 3rd burp cloth for this meal and Cocoa is drooling on the clean spot on my pants trying to get my attention to let her outside for the fifth time in the last hour? Lily is smiling and it's all good.

Oh, and she doesn't like green beans much more than peas, at least for eating. But they make good face paint.

Baby Sleeps Through Disco

So here's John and Lily at the Baby Loves Disco event that we got tix for. I didn't end up going because I was too sick with my 2nd winter cold. But John saw Carrie and Kieran there and they had a fun time, although he said it was a little too dark (see top pic) and a little too loud. Of course, Lily has no problem sleeping through noise...maybe we'll wait 'til she's a little older to take her again.

I'd Rather Eat the Spoon

Notice how full the container is still. We only got a few bites in there. After that, each bite was summarily refused with a closed mouth or oozed back out the lips in a gross manner.

I Don't Wanna Eat Peas!

Peas, the first green vegetable we've tried, were not a bit hit. Carrots are still the favorite, and the most staining. Coincidence? I think not.

The Moment Before Peas Were Flung Back Out of the Mouth

I do not like peas, not in a box, not with a fox, not with a mouse, not in a house!

Swing High, Swing Low

Today was a much better day. Lily slept until 8:30am, and then noodled around in the bassinet while I pumped, so I was able to finish and then feed her. Then we played a lot today, on her mats and rolling around the house in her little umbrella stroller. I make up commentary for her, like where we are (this is the downtown, and there's the toy factory, ooh, low bridge! etc.) and make zooming noises and stuff, it feels very immature and fun. And I sing songs to her as they occur to me, like the Zoom song today. Evidently it was so exciting that Cocoa got a bit riled up and started jumping on me and giving me big licks. Lily thought this was hilarious and started giggling, which is worth a whole day of rice globs in my hair. I just love that giggle.

I'm trying to stop and pay attention to Cocoa and slow down and pet her in between doing things for Lily. I know she's just jealous and needs more attention and that's why she went Cujo yesterday. And actually she's been mostly very good since the incident yesterday. But it's like having two kids, I swear. I'm hoping tomorrow we can get her to day care (the dog, not the baby) so she has a whole day to get her ya-ya's out with other doggies.

Not The Best Day, Kind of Like Alexandar's

And if you have to ask me who Alexandar is, I'm too crabby to explain it. He famously also had a very bad day. Even horrible.

First of all, I had to go to a doctor's appt in the frigid cold (-25 wind chill) and so had to dress up baby in her Yeti suit to bring her with me. When I get home, Cocoa has gotten into trouble, trashing several things, and so I tell her she's bad and naughty and she goes off to sulk and look guilty. I haven't pumped since 4am and it's now 11am, so I really need to. So I put Lily on the floor and hook up, hoping I can entertain her and get this done at the same time. Then Cocoa comes back, wanting me to forgive her, and will not get out of my face and keeps stepping right next to Lily. I try and try to get her out of the way and she finally lies down, partly on the blanket right next to Lily, which I don't want. I try to move her but she won't budge. Lily wants to pet Cocoa and reaches out. Cocoa growls and I tell her no and I grab Lily's hand but Cocoa still won't budge and finally Lily gets a hold of some fur and Cocoa turns around and snaps at Lily.

This is very bad. So I pop Cocoa on the nose. And then Cocoa growls at me! So I pop her on the nose again and tell her bad dog. Then she bites me!! GREAT!! Super. So I have to unplug, drag the dog into another room, put the baby in the crib while I have a talk with Cocoa. Now the baby is crying because she doesn't want to be in the crib.

I don't get back to pumping for a couple of hours longer and I'm in great pain by then. And have a couple plugged ducts. More pain. Then there's lots of fussing and crying the rest of the day because Lily is teething, and she's crying a lot, and hasn't been sleeping through the night the last week or so.

Sucky day. Very sucky. I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed as well as exhausted from being bitten by my own dog, scratched, hair yanked, clothes barfed on, etc. by my baby, and sick with my second winter cold. Then I get my period.

Don't give me any damn advice. Just have some sympathy for Mommy today. It was a hard day.

Darling Piddies

The other day I had to change her outfit to a footie-less piece just because I wanted to play with her toes. Because they are just so darn cute!!! Here she is rollin' around on the floor in her room.

Would You Like Some Jam With Those?

Look, I can chew on my toes!! It's fun! And very gymnastical. Flex-o-baby. Of course, this is not a problem right now when her toes are kept clean in footsied fleece all day in the cold of winter. In the summer it could be a problem, there may be actual dirt on those toes. But for now, have at it.

With a Teething Bug Chaser for Dessert

This Week's New "Solid" Food: Squish Squash I Was Taking a Bath!

I know the bottom picture is blurry but I had to include it because it's so happy and funny. She's got squash in her eyebrow and up her nose and quite pleased about it. It's funny how fast it dries and gets crusty and hard to get off. She doesn't like it when we try to wipe off the mess while she's still eating, but I try to tell her this is what mommies do.

So we're currenlty introducing one new "solid" food a week, and we're up to four now: Rice cereal (which looks like mashed potato flakes), oatmeal, carrots, and squash. We read to hold off on the applesauce and other sweet foods so that they won't get stuck on only sweets right away. So we're doing vegetables before fruits, and yellow vegetables before green. I can't wait to see the green poo when we start her on peas.

We've started feeding her the solid foods in this snazzy high chair from Jack and Mary and it's a lot easier than in the lap. But we still give her the bottle of milk in our laps. They say (the expert-y baby books) to start feeding baby during your mealtimes, but we're not ready for that yet. Crikey, for so long we've been trying to do just the opposite, get our own dinners before it's time to feed the baby so that we get to eat at all.

Neato Feeto!

Lily has decided that Daddy's naked feet are very entertaining, especially when they wiggle around. I suppose this should be no surprise. Every time we have to change her diaper and take her feet out of the footies, they go straight into her hands, and sometimes a toe or two makes it into the mouth! But baby will not be munching on Daddy's toes. I draw the line there.

Hey, What Are Those Things?

Stealth Pooper: Warning! Potty Talk

Lily has suddenly become a stealth pooper! Used to be we could hear it and tell right away, poop alert, man the changing table! To your battle stations, load the wipes! And we could tell the difference between her little motorbutt farts and the juicy sound of baby poo. Alas, times have changed. With the introduction of solid foods in the last month, her poop has changed. Of course, there's the lovely orange color from the carrots. But now it's silent poo. And sometimes we don't know it's just sittin' in there. Which is not fun, you don't want your baby sittin' in poo! So we have to do (doo?) more frequent poop checks now. This is where you unzip one leg of the footie, and pull the elastic away from one little cheek and take a peek. And she's been fooling us lately. We think we're so smart, we know our baby so well, she'll make this particular type of farty noise and we're like "Oh, yeah, that's poo." But (butt?) the poo check reveals a false alarm! Amazing, these babies, how they grow and change and you have to keep relearning them.

Hoodoo!

This is one of my favorite Cary Grant movie moments, I always remember this bit. I don't know why I thought of it, I guess I just needed some nonsense. I made plans to do two things today but they both fell through because of either me feeling sick or me concerned Lily was getting a cold. So no gettin' out. I have been having a LOT of migraines lately and it sucks. I'm trying to look ahead to maybe Lily's 9 month mark and then start quitting the pumping breast milk. Once I'm off that gig, I can start trying migraine preventive medications, which could improve my daily life dramatically. Meanwhile, I try to keep up my spirits with goofiness like this. Go on, play it, it's fun. It's from The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer, with Shirley Temple.

Steppin'

Here's Daddy showing Lily how to step. She's wearing a new pants and jacket combo I got at Once Upon a Child, which is a really nice resale shop. I'm definitely going back there, maybe even for a crib. They don't have any crappy stuff, it's all nice, and the price is right. This set was only $6.50.

I Iz Soooooo Kewt!

Eating "Solid" Food!

"Solid" is really a misleading description. "Mushy" would be more accurate. But she's doing great at it! We started about a week ago with Rice cereal, which looks like mashed potato flakes. You add breast milk to it, so it's not a whole lot different than just milk. And not toooo messy. And she likes eating it. And wants to hold the spoon herself. Carrots, on the other hand (actually, on all the hands, baby's and parents'), are way messy. Look at the orange explosion! And this is with two parents helping with the feeding. Now imagine me alone trying to feed her this stuff. I usually use two spoons, so that she can hold onto one while I load up the second one, and we just keep trading. Otherwise, she'll hold the one spoon for about 5 minutes before I can get it back. She doesn't understand that I have to reload it, that it doesn't keep giving like the bottle. But it's so entertaining feeding her. She makes these big smacking noises, it's so cute.

Sandwich Boy Dispenses Parenting Advice

The other day I went to Breugger's on my way to Carrie K.'s for a visit. I had Lily with me in her car seat (also known as the torture device that kills my back and lengthens my arms to orangutan-like proportions). So Mr. Chatty Sandwich Boy (manager, I could just tell) asks me how old Baby is, and when I tell him he says she should be sleeping thru the night now. Ok, Dr.Spock, I'll go with that. I tell him she is starting to, yes. Then he says with his first (child), they kept him up until midnight at 3 weeks old so he would sleep until 4am, which he seemed to think counted as sleeping thru the night. I didn't want spit in my sandwich, so I didn't point out how stupid this was, but just smiled and said "Mmmm."

Then he went on, "My advice: no nook." Well, I felt it necessary to tell him that she (Lily--he never asked her name, guess he didn't need any personal information for his one-size-fits-all advice) needed a nook (this is a pacifier, for those who don't know) to learn to suck because she was a preemie and they gave her one in the hospital (you know, where doctors and nurses and other qualified medical personnel work?). So he glosses right over that and says, "Then my advice: At one year, no nook. The first few days are hard, but it's worth it." Again, I wanted my my food in an edible state, so I smiled and nodded.

But what the hell? It galled me, the way he kept saying "My Advice:" not as a question or even a recommendation that he'd heard from several other parents as a workable solution for something I asked about. Just "My Advice:" And, hey, I mean, this is not a fair situation. I am a captive audience at the mercy of the service he is giving me (well, that I am paying for), so I'm not going to have a real conversation with him and tell him what I really think. So he gets to listen to me tacitly agree with him, which strokes his authoritarian ego, which makes me ill. Someone needs to tell him to shut up. If I was having a real conversation with him, I would tell him I totally disagree with his Nazi parenting style, and that there are good reasons for pacifiers. And I wanted to ask, "Taking the pacifier away is worth what?" Why must you deprive your child of his little happy comfort device? I mean, I know there are medical reasons to stop using a pacifier--orthodontics, etc,--but there are also good reasons for using them. But he didn't care about my particular situation, about me personally, which is what he was no doubt trying to come across as, a friendly caring service person. But it backfired. Instead he showed himself to be not thoughtful, a bad listener, and someone who thought he was always right. Gee, I don't want to know you. Just give me my damn sandwich.

And what is it with people giving out unsolicited parenting advice? Just like when I was trying to get pregnant, just like when I was pregnant, they all had the answers. I guess it's an insecurity people have, and they think if they've found a solution to their particular problem, they must spread the word, evangelize. But having experienced several medical mysteries in my life, including unexplained infertility and migraines, I know one size rarely fits all, and I get very cranky when people insist they know the answer, if I would just listen to them. And it annoys me even more in a sandwich boy situation, where I can't say what I really think (even politely), beause I risk that service person taking my dissent as an affront and messing with the service they're giving me.

There's an NPR show called Wait Wait Don't Tell Me in which they have a segment that plays upon this situation, just for fun. It's called "Not My Job," in which guests are intentionally asked questions way out of their field. I think it's humbling for the guests, and a reminder to listeners that you can't know everything. So shut up and listen more. At least that's my take on it. And I have a headache right now so I'm probably overanalyzing this because I'm cranky. But I'm still right. So there.

5 days old to 7 months old

John thought it would be fun to compare these pics to show much our lil' punkin' has grown and changed since she was born. I can hardly believe she used to be so teency! How amazingly blessed we are.

Ah, the Romance

Ha! When you are married, have a dog and a baby, it's not about the romance anymore, it's about the humor. For instance: I got this wonderful room scent stuff from my sister Kath for my birthday, it's a bottle of oil with a honeysuckle scent, and these bamboo sticks, and you put the sticks in the oil and just let it sit out and makes the room smell very pleasant. It's supposed to be for travel so you have a nice aroma in your hotel room, or I guess the guest bedroom you stay in. Ah. Well, I broke it out the other night in desperation because Cocoa (the dog) had been very naughty that morning and gotten into a bunch of trash and eaten some garbage, and so for the next two days she had the farts from hell. I mean, one toot and she could fell a boatload of rats. And she sleeps on the bed with us! What was I to do? So I broke out the nice oil and it saved me. No candle flame to worry over, just insert stick in oil and let it waft, and overpower the hellish gassy emanations from bad dogbutt.

I Rule!

Oh joy! I found out this week that I've lost at least 10 pounds since last August. I wasn't even paying attention, because you know, I'm BUSY taking care of a baby. But evidently those 14-lb. curls (Lily's current weight) and of course, the energy-sucking activity of producing breast milk, have taken a happy turn and made me lose weight! It sure ain't like I'm going to the gym or anything. Here I am back in my favorite Eddie Bauer jeans, size 14, just put 'em on today and they fit, by golly! This is exciting. I can't get these kind of jeans anymore, because stoopid Eddie changed all their jeans and they have different cuts now. So I'm thrilled to have my favorite pants back. This may sound like no biggie to you out there who have never lost your waist to pregnancy and slowly grown out of every pair of pants you have, but those mommies out there know 'zackly what I'm talkin' about. I actually weigh less now than I have in several years, so I'm even lower than my pre-pregnancy weight. Let's hear it for the baby diet!! Hip hip (yes, I have hips again, too) hooray!

Sleeping Through the Night!!

For the last two weeks or so, Miss Lily has been sleeping through the night. Mostly. Sometimes she cries in the middle of the night and John gets up and gives her the binky and holds her for a little while, but we don't feed her. The best nights are when she goes to sleep about 10pm and doesn't wake up until 5 or 6 the next morning. It's sooooo much easier to sleep now. And I thought it would be awful to have her in the other room, but it's been okay, and she seems to be doing fine with it.

Lily and Kieran: Buddies

Here's Carrie Kennedy's son Kieran being so sweet to Lily on her visit over to see Kieran's new brother Kyle--he's sharing his toys, giving her a rattle to play with. He is a little dear. Lily is sitting in a Bumpo chair, which looks really fun, but the school/developmental people say not to get one, that she needs to learn to sit up on her own. It's hard, cuz I wanna help her sit up, but I guess it's better she develops her muscles so she won't fall over. I hope she can do it soon.

She's rolling over on her tummy and back really well, and holding her head up great. And she's starting to figure out how to propel herself forward, but hasn't quite gotten that down yet. Like she'll be on her tummy and lay her head down and then lift her little butt up in the air, but she hasn't figured out how to coordinate the other parts of her little body to make it work to go forward. It's hard, I wanna just help her, but I know she has to figure it out on her own. I dreamt this morning that she suddenly figured it out and was racing around the house on all fours, crawling like a champ.

She has solved one problem she has having: getting stuck in the corner of the playmat. She would roll over and bump into one of the corners where the overhanging bars attach to the mat, and get all frustrated cuz she couldn't go any further. But today I noticed that she's figured out how to lift her legs up and go around the corner post. And I feel so proud! I go "Hey, you're smart! Hey, little cutie, little smartie! You're doing great!" And she smiles. Which is so fun. You know how sometimes you're having a poo-poo day and then some stranger is friendly and smiles at you for no reason and you suddenly feel lifted up, like suddenly the world doesn't suck anymore? Well, multiply that feeling by about 100 when your baby smiles at you. :)

Good Little Traveler

"I'm on a what?" Here's Lily on the plane on our way to Seattle before Xmas. She was a super little traveler, she didn't get fussy at all and had no problem with take-off and landing. She got the window seat in our row, because her car seat kind of blocks the row, so at first we had her between us but then the flight attendant said she had to have the window seat. In this picture she's awake and curious in the middle of the flight, just looking around. We fed her on both take-off and landing and she had no ear problems. Hooray! She slept through a really neato sunset that we watched over her sleepy head.

There were several other babies on the flight, so we didn't really stand out. Right in front of us was a 2-monther and further up was a 1-month old, which just seemed way too early to me to bring baby on a plane. So when the other babies were crying, John and I discussed how now that we had a baby of our own (even though she wasn't crying), the noise didn't bother us. I guess we're more sympathetic now. And maybe we were having fun secretly gloating that our baby was happy and not crying.

I look like a little baker in my hat

doesn't she? I think so. I'm ready for the doughnuts, baby.

So I haven't written much lately. We were gone for Christmas, which was really nice, spending it with my family, which I haven't been able to do in years, and this was Lily's first Christmas so it was very special. Then we came back home and it's crappy weather here, not just cold, but getting over freezing and melting and refreezing, kind of like my most unfavorite month here, March. I'd rather it was 0 degrees right now than 40. It's hard getting out with Lily on my own, although John seems to do it pretty well when he takes her somewhere by himself. Maybe it's just because I'm getting a cold that everything feels like so much effort right now. I know I've been holing (is that a word?) up in the house too much lately, that I need to get out more or depression will suck me down, especially in these dark winter months. But now I'm sick so I have to stay home and rest. Blah.

Today John went over to see Carrie K. and her new baby Kyle who was born right before we left on vacation, so he's a month old already and I haven't been over to see her or him. She is such a good friend, she says she's coming over to see me soon.

Maybe it's the pumping, too. Just a few days ago I was telling John that I'm proud of myself for making it this far--almost 7 months--with the breast milk, that I really didn't know at the beginning if I could make it to 6 months. So I've done well. But when do I get to stop? It's something to start considering, I think. I'll talk to the doctor at Lily's next appointment and see what she thinks. I'm sure the lactation consultants would have me go for three years if they had their way!! But pumping the breast milk is another thing that makes it hard to go out and do anything for several hours, because I get uncomfortable (i.e., pain) if I don't pump regularly. It's one thing to sleep overnight and not pump for 8 hours, but if I'm awake and do that, it really hurts! So I try to do it every 4 or 5 hours, and when I want to go out and do something, I have to time it just right unless I want to bring the pump with me, which I can do but don't really want to when I'm by myself or just with Lily. So it's something I'm always conscious of, my breasts and how full they're getting. I haven't really breastfed Lily in a while, the bottles are just easier. Which I'm fine with, but I'm still pumping. It's so unromantic, so unglamorous, and my whole body just gets so worn out from the constant milking. Am I allowed to say this? I don't want John even touching me after I've pumped (or before) because I'm so sore. Which sucks. Haha I guess that was sort of a pun. Yeah, don't make me explain it or I'll have to slap you. Mommy crabby.

Shut Up

It really annoys me when people say things like "Just wait until she starts walking, then you'll be sorry." No, I won't. I love my baby and I take great joy in every new change, in her growing and learning and changing. I mean, yeah, I will probably be annoyed at times when she starts walking and gets into mischief, but I'm not going to be "sorry." Sorry for what? That we taught her to walk? That she can't fly? Just shut up and let me enjoy my baby.

Baby's Blues

Wow, look at those blue eyes. Aren't they just bee-yootiful??

Truly Happy New Year

I've never much liked New Year's Eve as a holiday. The last 8 or 9 years especially, it's just been a painful reminder of another year passed and no baby for us. But this year it's different! This year we are blessed with Lily and we have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in this new year with our new joyful baby Lily. Hooray New Year!

The Next Big Change

Today we moved Lily's bassinet into her own room, and I feel like someone severed my arm. I can't believe it! I thought I wanted to sleep, but it's going to be really hard to sleep without her at the foot of our bed. When she first came home, she hardly made a dent in the bassinet, and now she's almost grown out of it. It's time to get a real crib. And a crib won't fit in our bedroom. Which means she'll have to sleep in her own room. Which means we have to get used to having her all the way across the hall. And she has to get used to it. So we moved her bassinet into her own room. Sigh.

Language Development: Stick Out Your Tongue!

I Don't Want to Forget This Later, It's One of Those Things That Only Comes When I'm Almost Asleep

In my mind while I'm sitting with Lily waiting for her to be asleep enough to put in the crib, I'm deconstructing This Is the House That Jack Built and thinking there is some structure there that I can make into an equation and make up a new verse with new characters and a modern plot and it could be really funny for adults or just for kids, it doesn't matter, if I figure out the equation, the relationship of each added verse to the previous verse, then I can make any number of new versions. It's just math with words. I can figure this out. I just have to go to bed now because I've taken 2 Percs for the pain in my head and I need some rest but I know I can figure this out later and I really want to. There has to be a wallabee in one version, because Lily likes that word. and Uffda, I said that to her tonight and she smiled. So maybe a Minnesota version. Yes. Just later.

Because

she's beautiful in my arms sleeping and I'm looking down at her round little head that still doesn't have much hair and I see her long eyelashes and it melts me into a Mommy puddle and I remember how she stared and stared into my eyes earlier when I read Green Eggs and Ham to her in funny voices and thought wow, she's changing, she's becoming more and more alert and more connected to me and loves my voice and earlier today she fell asleep to me reading her Go, Dog, Go, one of my favorites, and I love doing different voices for her when I read, it's like I finally got an excuse to have this much fun reading and playing and I love it. And we didn't ever send out any Christmas cards or even buy any or even start on writing our annual Christmas newsletter that everyone loves to read because it's fun and silly and not boring and I miss doing it but I don't care, I don't care if it doesn't ever get done this year because she's beautiful and wonderful and I'm up at 1:30am after holding her and playing with her since her 9pm feeding and finally getting her to peaceful sleep at 1am and like a broken Baby Alive her eyes popped open when I lay her down in the crib and she was ready to eat again and I just had to grin at her and get the next bottle of milk ready and pick her back up in my arms and go change another diaper and now she can almost hold the bottle all by herself which is amazing and my shoulder hurts all the way up my neck into my head and down my arm into my back because I haven't been doing my physical therapy exercises like I thought I would on vacation like a lot of things I thought I would get done on vacation but I have her and she's always there and I'll always drop whatever I'm doing and no, I don't need that food heated up, I'm used to eating it cold and it's okay, it doesn't matter that much, not like seeing her stop crying and snuggle up against me when I pick her up and know what to do. I can't make everyone else happy with me anymore, like I ever could, that was an illusion and a guilt trip I can't afford to take anymore, there just isn't time because I've got her now and me and her, we're happy.

Beautiful Laughter

It's been a hard day, at times. They don't seem to last all day long, the hard bits, which is nice. The morning was awful, I couldn't get any rest and the dog and the baby were needing attention at the same time. At one point I was on the floor with Lily on her playmat and Cocoa wanted to play fetch with one of her balls. Since this was an improvement over the constant pestering to go outside every 3 seconds, I went with it. She'd bring me the ball, I'd throw it. She'd bring it back. Often she brought it back so close to me that the ball rolled right into Lily's head. Luckily it's just a rubber ball, and Miss Lily had a cushy hat on besides, but it just seemed a littly funny, like it wasn't totally an accident that Cocoa was bonking Lily's head with her ball. "Oops! Silly me!" My hairdresser friend said her dog is depressed right now about their new baby, that he acts like Eeyore.

Anyway, now it's 1 in the morning and I'm finally awake. I just fed Lily and John is sleeping. She fed very easily, hardly waking up, and just eating very steadily and smoothly, so no big burps needed. Then when she was done, I just held her for a good half hour and looked at her and kissed the top of her head a lot. I watched her face changing expression in her dreams, and she suddenly started laughing, it was so sweet. It wasn't baby coo laughter, it was real laughter, jiggling her belly and everything. Every now and then she does that in her sleep and it's the most amazing thing. It's like she's visiting heaven where she knew everything before she came here to us, and she's laughing with the angels. God is great.

The Raspberry Stage

I never knew about this stage in babies, when they start doing raspberry noises with their mouth. It's really funny, especially since Lily seems to work so hard at it. She has her practice sessions during the day when she'll just do them over and over and try different tongue placement and lip movements. And the dog is rather intersted in this. Cocoa has always taken it was a sign from us that it's playtime when we do raspberries. So now here's this baby, who she's doing her best to ignore most of the time, doing that fun noise. Cocoa has been glancing at Lily the last couple of days during raspberry hour and trying to figure out what it wants...

Sleeping Through The What?

I got my hair cut last night, which is a good thing, it's been driving me crazy being too long, and then it gets in my face and when I don't get a shower (don't ask me how many days that happens) it just all makes me very crabby. So it was fun to go see my hairdresser, esp. because she had a baby about the same time as us, although hers wasn't a preemie, and I haven't seen her since she went on maternity leave. But her baby sleeps through the night. No, I mean really sleeps. From 9pm to 6 or 7am. Waaaaaah! The best we've gotten so far was 7 hours one time, but it still averages every 4 hours.

Some days the sleep deprivation is just really painful. I get that stomach ache you get when you just shouldn't be out of bed. It's my body protesting. And it causes me to get more headaches, which I need like, um, more headaches. Yesterday I got lucky and Lily fell asleep in her chair while I was on the phone with John saying I didn't think I could stand it, that I had to go to bed. So I didn't move her at all, I just curled up on the love seat in her room next to her bouncy chair and we snoozed for a couple hours. Phew. That was just dumb luck, though. Today she won't sleep unless I'm holding her, and Cocoa is driving me insane wanting me to let her outside in the fridid cold (12 degrees) every 2 seconds. She just wants me to leave the door wide open and let all the heat out. Aaaaaaaaaah!!! I need a vacation. Oh yeah, I get one in just a couple weeks here. I can hardly wait.

Special Baby Skills

I think babies go to secret schools before they're born, where they learn how to spit up everywhere but where you want them to. Yesterday I had the bib on, the burp rag in place below that, and Lily turned her head and somehow puked up my sleeve. Now, how does that happen? Maybe it's like pets: they never barf on the hardwood floor or the kitchen tile where it's easy to clean up--no, no, they have to go find the carpet where it will soak in good and leave a pungent aroma. Ah, barf stories. Good times.

Motor Sounds + Butt = Motorbutt

It makes me laugh every time Lily farts. I know, I'm so juvenile, but there it is (pun intended). She's so oblivious to it, she just sits there tootling away and her facial expression doesn't even change. Sometimes she'll cough and fart at the same time, and I just can't help but thinking of an adult doing that and being all embarassed. The funniest are the little series of toots that sound like a motorboat. We start laughing and then that makes her happy so she smiles. I just hope when she starts talking that Grandpa Jack won't teach her to say "I feel better now!" like he did one of his other grandkids after a burp. Because then I'll just laugh more and it will be hard to tell her "No, we say excuse me," and be Mature Mommy while I'm laughing.

This Is My Daughter

Today I'm feeling really good about being Lily's Mommy. Days when I hold her for two or three hours at a time, several times a day, are becoming comfortable, familiar, not a "waste" of time, but something I even look forward to and relish. As she grows bigger I realize I won't get this time again, and that I want to enjoy it all I can now, holding her whole being in my arms and kissing her soft skin as much as I want and just looking at her. And it's good for her, it's a warm, safe, fun place to be, in Mommy's arms. I love to kiss her soft belly when I'm changing her diaper, and give her raspberries like my Grandma Furlong used to do with me and Wendy. And kiss her little feet and clap them together.

I can see her changing, developing more and more of a personality. She's making more and different noises, little coos, which we love to hear and often laugh at; she's working hard at stuffing all her fingers in her mouth at once, which is hilarious (and useful because she can always find her fingers and sometimes she can't find the binky as it drops on the floor a lot). She's looking directly at us more now, at our faces, and responding to our facial expressions with her own, and a lot of her expressions are happy ones.

Of course there are difficult times, when we don't know why she's crying and just try our best to comfort her and get through it, or when we're really, really sleepy and she's wide awake. But to me it's not feeling as overwhelming now. It feels like we're reaching a milestone--maybe because she's almost 6 months old now. We know the drill, even as it keeps changing, and we know we can do it. It's a really good feeling.

Old Mommy Glasses

These are my new "progressive" lens glasses, you know, bifocals without the line. I like them, I think they look pretty good. But I'm still getting used to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm bobbing my head up and down like a pecking chicken trying to find where the focus is. I'm sure nobody notices the crazy lady.

The Bloody Finger!

Um, yeah, it's strawberry jam on her bib, that's it. NO, actually it's BLOOD! Because Mommy used those damn baby nail clippers that are supposed to be safer or something than big people clippers, and I clipped some skin off of my baby's finger! Oh, the horror! I felt like a murderer! She only cringed and complained for a minute, so I guess it didn't hurt much, but it hurt my Mommy pride. I've injured my child! I should be thrown in jail! So I took a picture of the evidence: the bloodied bib. I know, to you it probably doesn't look like much. But I felt awful.

Cute Robot Alert!

John just showed me this dancing robot on the show Wired Science on PBS and it is the cutest thing! I already love robots but this is just the bomb. It was designed by this Japanese scientist to work with autistic children. Watch as he takes "Keepon" out for a day to interact and dance with the world.

Wow! I've almost outgrown my tub!

Wow! I remember when her head didn't come up to the top of that blue padding. Now she hold her head up and is really almost too big for this tub. She still likes baths, too, which is nice. She's very cooperative about getting washed. She probably likes sitting in the warm water. Sweetie.

Hee hee!!

I was gonna do red-eye reduction on this one but then I thought it was cute that her orange eyes match her orange outfit. Lily likes to stick out her tongue and grin, it's super cute.

Sputnik?

When we were little, Wendy used to speak in tongues in her sleep. Oops, I gave away your alternate identity as a secret Russian spy! Sorry Wendy! This was when we were in elementary and junior high school, I think. I'd hear her talking and get out of bed and go in her room and she'd be talking but she didn't seem to hear me when I said "Wendy?" and I swear it sounded like a foreign language, maybe Russian. Not just nonsense. Scawy!

So Lily sleeps kinda funny like Wendy used to. She likes to sleep diagonally in the bassinet with her head against the side. Lily, not Wendy. I don't remember how Wendy slept in her cradle. But I remember her wrestling with her covers a lot. Anyhoo, we've taken to just putting on the blankets diagonally in the bassinnet. It looks sorta funny, like Salvador Dali baby or something. But she's comfy. I just wonder is she's going to start speaking in Scandinavian in her sleep...

Trade-Offs

Hoorah, sleep! Today I got a 3-hour nap. It was good. I slept while Lily slept, and she just happened to sleep for 3 hours. Of course, I didn't get a shower, no lunch until 4pm, and no chores or art done. But I got some sleep and I feel much happier right now.

What's That, Bert? I Can't Hear You, I Have a Banana In My Ear!

Aw, so cute! It doesn't look real comfortable, but she doesn't seem to mind. And I couldn't help but think of the classic Bert and Ernie sketch from Sesame Street.

SIU

Stands for Suck It Up. Which is what I feel like I oughta be able to do. Aw, poor Carrie, pity the 41-year-old mommy. No, no, don't. It's just complicated. I'm so incredibly happy that we have Lily, she's so wonderful and I look at her and think "Wheeeeeee!" but there's also hard parts. Not that I thought parenting was gonna be a piece o' cake, but I didn't care.

And I feel entitled to help like I never have before. I'm not usually one to feel entitled about anything, I don't think I was raised that way. I was taught you learn how to do it yourself and your work hard. And yet. Now I feel like people should just show up and clean my house (for free instead of the $150 we are paying now) and cook us dinner and cookies and babysit so we can go out to a movie or a play. Why do I feel so entitled? Maybe it's hormones. I realize my body chemistry is all whack now, like I'm getting used to a totally new body after pregnancy, and I have no control over that.

And maybe I'm just not asking for help, or not asking the right way. I expect people to know we need help, which is not very useful. Carrie Kennedy knows I need help, but she is going through the same mommy experiences right now, so she knows on a very immediate level the daily stuff that gets overwhelming. And she's my best girlfriend, so she knows me well. But she's expecting her second little baby on Dec. 8, so even though she offers help, I don't want to wear her out, she needs to take care of herself.

Today I woke up with awful cramps and a headache. Blah blah blah how very boring. SIU. Or talk about something else. Let's get some more cute pictures up here. And I need some more humor.

Progressive Lenses

I got my new glasses today and the woman who helped fit them for me said I shouldn't wear them today, but get a fresh start tomorrow. I couldn't resist, though, I wanted to see how they felt looking at the computer screen. Okay, nice and clear, but you can't move your head up and down. I find if I circle my head around and look through the glasses, it looks like those scenes in movies where someone has been drugged and their vision is going all sideways and wonky just before they black out. Neato!

I was also warned that I wouldn't really have peripheral vision anymore, that I'd have to turn my head all the way around to get a good view of what's on my side. Hmmm.

So let's list the stresses on my body right now: new glasses that will take me weeks to get used to and I'll have headaches during the adjustment period; speaking of period...enough about that; breastfeeding; high blood pressure; thryroid; depression; migraines. Quite a little list, isn't it? I think I do well keeping a positive attitude most of the time, especially when I look at Lily, but sometimes I just kind of collapse and have to acknowlege that I'm exhausted. John is very understanding. Last night after I got my period and was freaking about that and having really bad cramps, I said "I need comfort food for dinner. Can we have scrambled eggs and pancakes?" And he did it and was nice about it. I am so lucky. I have a prince of a husband.

Did I Mention...?

How much I really didn't need to have my period start up again already? Maybe it sounds like I'm a whiner, but this is hard. People joke about PMS, but it ain't funny. I've been crying a lot today, and not for anything in particular, except maybe that I really don't want to have my period right now. Cramps, headaches, exhaustion, and mood swings, whee. Or should I say "Oh, my!" and sing it to the tune of "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"?

I've decided there really needs to be a more descriptive term for "mood swing." "Swing" just isn't enough, it doesn't convey the extreme nature, the great magnitude of the length of the arc between moods. "Swing" sounds so casual, like it ain't no thing. Like it's a romantic dance. It's more like a throttling. Mood throttle? How does that sound?

Getting Used to Interruption

I think I'm getting used to it pretty well now. John makes dinner, we sit down to eat, and Lily wakes up and wants to be fed. I feel annoyed for a minute and look longingly at my dinner, then get up and take her upstairs to get her what she needs. And I let go of the annoyance and kiss her and sing to her and talk to her.

Or we're watching a movie or a show together and suddenly I have to take care of her. She can't wait 'til the commercial break, or a nice stopping point in the action. Baby Rules. Or I'm reading a book. No, she can't wait until I finish this page, or this chapter. I have to drop whqat I'm doing without knowing when I'll get back to it, and really give Lily my whole attention. After the initial annoyance passes, most of the time it feels good. I'm taking care of her, she needs me. It is good.

Sleeping Through the Night, Or Most Of It

John told me that he talked to another daddy at work who said once the baby is 12 pounds, she should be able to sleep through the night. And so we looked it up in the bossy baby book (What To Expect blah blah blah), and it says, yeah, in the third month (which Lily is, corrected), they should start sleeping through the night more. Or more of it. Oh, okay, well how do you make that happen? You have to ignore the crying. What?! I can't do that. Baby cries, I pick her up, I make her happy.

Evidently by the time they're 12 pounds, they don't physically need to get you up three times a night to eat, they're just in the habit. So you're supposed to start imposing a schedule. But it's going to be hard at first. John's friend said the first night they didn't get up to feed their baby in the middle of the night, their baby cried for 45 minutes. HOLY CRAP. I can't do that, I'm sorry. I think I'd lose my mind. Not because I'd hate the crying, but because I'd feel so bad for her being that unhappy. When she cries now and she has little tears, I want to cry myself!

So we're starting out slow, trying to get her to go longer at night, like don't pick her up the moment she starts fussing. Wait, then pick her up and see if she just needs a snuggle. If you can stretch it another 30 minutes, that's still progress. Okay, I can do that, I think. Getting it down to one middle of the night feeding would be great. Then we'd get more sleep. I like that part.

The part I am having difficulty accepting is that soon we should probably get a real crib and put it in her room and let her sleep in there. By herself. Right now the bassinet is at the foot of our bed. And I like it there. Mmmm. I thought I wanted to change, but I guess I'm attached to my lil' pumpkin. As much as I am dissapointed some days that I can't put her down to go make art or do something else, I love to hold her, and sometimes sitting in the recliner for 3 hours with her in my lap sleeping is really wonderful. I stare at her face and see how her eyelashes are growing longer. I wonder if she really looks like me, I can't tell except for her cute little nose. I am proud of my button nose. Even if it's become a bigger button. But it doesn't matter who she looks like, to me she looks like herself, the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me, the cutest baby I've ever seen, the sweetest lil' pumpkin ever.

What?!!

Oh, crap. I just got my period. I didn't think you got those again until you stopped breastfeeding!! Call me Ignorant (not Ishmael). I feel so betrayed! I thought this was one of the few easy things about breastfeeding, the mommy benefit, that I didn't have to endure monthly cramps, mood swings, more intense headaches, and the general pain in the a#* that is menstruation. Aw, bummer.

So I looked it up and just like pregnancy, just about anything is "normal." You can get it a few weeks after baby's birth, a few months, even a few years. Lovely. And it can be random instead of regular, like maybe I won't get it again for several months. Ah, I just love unpredictability. NOT! Grrrr. I am crabby now (probably my mood swing). I have to stare at my sleeping cutie baby to feel better.

Happy Happy Clean Clean

Our house has been a disaster area for about 6 months now, like about since I had to go into the hospital. I couldn't stand it anymore and my allergies have been killing me with all the dirt and dog hair flying around, so I took action. Clean Green Homes came and cleaned our house today for about 3 hours. Ahhhh it's good. I've never seen my crappy kitchen cabinets look so clean. And the ceiling fan is no longer a distributor of phlegm-inducing grunge. No more cobwebs. They even cleaned the milk stains off several tables. Because there are basically milk rings on every flat surface in the house. We're going to try to keep up the service every two weeks, and I just hope to God we can afford it, because it gives me great peace of mind and keeps me healthier besides. They mostly use vinegar and water to clean things, so I didn't have to worry about anything toxic. It was great.

Stupid Baby Clothes

I have one baby outfit I bought at an upscale baby store over on Grand in St. Paul and I finally tried it on Lily today and I now want to burn it in effigy. The brand is Absorba, some European brand, and I'm sure they have some other outfits that are designed better than this one. It's a shirt and overalls. Aw, cute. Except the shirt snaps in back. Now how am I supposed to do that with a baby who can't sit up on her own yet? And the snaps are really difficult. And then the overall thingy has to go over her head! And also snaps in back! Stupid! Oh well, it looks like she's outgrown it anyway, and she hated it because it took so long to get on so she barfed on it. So there. What kind of a name is Absorba anyway? Sounds more like a diaper than a clothing brand. Now I'm just being mean.

He Do the Voices

I love listening to John read to Lily and hear the different voices he does for the characters. Right now he's reading The House at Pooh Corner and his Eeyore voice is like Forrest Gump. It's pretty funny.

Uncle Steve and Lily

Steve likes holding Lily, too. Of course, how could you not when she is sleeping so cutely?

Uncle Mikey and Lily

Mikey left for Singapore today, probably for 2 years, although we expect to see him a few times a year. This was Sunday when we went over to visit and say goodbye. Mike is holding Lily in what Carrie K. calls her Quidditch outfit. Mary calls it her Rugby outfit. Anyhoo, she got snuggles from Uncle Mikey before he left.

Meow!

Here's Lily's other Halloween outfit, and she's trying to fly.

Hi-Ya!

Feel my Pumpkin Foot power!

Baby Protests in Style

Sometimes Lily does not want to be interrupted from her feeding to be sat up and burped. So she does her Ray Charles impression, swaying back and forth, making it very hard for you to hold her upright. I have gratuitously embedded a Ray Charles YouTube video in this entry, just for fun. He's singing What'd I Say, one of my faves. Check the white dude on tambourine, he looks a little...off.

Secret Squirrel Bifocals

I got my eyes checked yesterday because I've been doing that thing where I have to lift up my glasses to read but can see far away fine with them on. And you know what that means! I have to get "progressive" lenses, which are one step away from bifocals. The progressive lenses don't have the telltale line across the middle of the lens, so no one will able to tell I'm getting old unless I tell them. Which. I just did. Oops. But you'll forget. I'll be incognito with my ol' lady glasses, and I picked out new cool frames, so it won't be too bad. The doc said it may take a couple weeks to get used to the new lenses and the whole progressive thing. I'm hoping that doesn't mean I'll get a bunch more headaches and have to use up my Percoset before I'm allowed.

The bonus of this eye exam is that we went to SuperTarget for it, so afterwards I got to shop in my favorite store. Lily was great, John shopped while I was getting my exam, and then we both shopped, and she was asleep and cozy the whole time. It's funny, I told John it seemed like no matter where we went in the store, I could hear a whining, crying baby. "Is it following us or what?" I asked him. He thinks maybe we're just more tuned in to that sound because we have a baby now. I don't know, I thought it was just annoying.

Hey! Did You Notice the Sound Clips?

Apparently some people have not noticed the sound clips that I put on the sidebar. They're those things that look like tiny VCR controls. There are 3, and I put a title above each one. No, it's not my favorite music (although maybe you could say it is, in a way), it's sounds of Lily that we recorded. All you have to do is click the play button (the one that looks like an arrow pointing to the right) twice, once to activate the control, and then a second time to hear the clip. They're pretty quiet so you may have to turn up the volume on your computer, and they're each only a few seconds long. But they're really cute, so please listen to them!

Lily's First Movie

So last week we went to a "Mommy Matinee" at a Kerasotes theatre in Inver Grove Heights. I put a link on the sidebar for anyone else looking for Mommy Matinees, and you can use a drop down list on their site to find theatres that do this all over the country, or at least the theatres owned by Kerasotes. They don't really do anything special for these matinees except note that parents with kids under 2 are welcome to bring them along, and then everyone else in the theatre knows there will be babies, possibly fussing, so they'll theoretically understand because they have babies there, too. They do the matinees on Tuesdays, the first show of the day, so it's not a big crowd to begin with.

The funny thing was, there weren't any other parents at our screening. They were all senior citizens! So Tuesday must be senior discount day, too. Anyway, Lily was very good. She only started fussing after we sat through 10 minutes of commercials and the movie actually started--oh my God, I hate these commercials! We actually had to sit through a music video for the National Guard! Can you say propoganda? So we had brought a bottle of milk and I ran into the bathroom to run it under some hot water to warm it up. Uh, except they didn't have hot water. What?! They had those automatic faucets that don't have any knobs, they just sense when your hands are under the spigot, or they're supposed to, although usually the sensor area seems about 1/16" thick and I feel like a dork waving my hands all around like I'm doing interpretive dance trying to get some damn water to come out. So I tried the hand dryers instead, holding the bottle of milk under the blast of hot air. That took forever and didn't work that great, but well enough.

Then Lily ate happily from the bottle while we watched the movie, and we traded off who was feeding and holding her so that we could each get some popcorn. Because I must have popcorn. At every movie. It's just a thing. I have to have it.

At first Lily kept turning her head toward the light of the big screen, like she wanted to watch the movie. We picked Dan in Real Life, which was really funny and sweet. The guy at the concession stand looked at us carrying Lily in the car seat and said, "Ah, let's see, bringing the baby, you're probably going to see...Saw IV?" Hahahaha. Everybody's a comedian.

Tigger Lily

Here's Lily in the Tigger costume Aunt Wendy got for her. Aren't the little ears adorable? John's work, General Mills, had a Fall Festival last Friday night, and it was basically a big Halloween party for families. It was really fun to bring Lily, even though most of it was over her head. It didn't matter because we got to get out and be parents at an event with other parents, which felt really fun.

Zombies for Halloween

No, that wasn't Lily's costume, it was Mommy and Daddy after three days of barely sleeping. Lily must be going through a growth spurt, cuz she's been eating every 2-3 hours and not sleeping much. Wow, this is the hard part, being super sleep deprived.