Not because it's a Hallmark holiday, I'm fine with that. I love chocolate and cards and flowers. But it's just a bad time for me. We lost our first baby to a miscarraige on Feb. 17, 2003. Seven years ago, and every year I get weepy and emotional around this time. Everything that's happening now gets blown out of proportion.
This morning I had Lily all ready for school, and I went to get her jacket and came back and she was standing in the kitchen watching the floor, as she proceeded to pee through her clothes, including her one pair of snow pants that she needs to play outside at school.
I got really mad and then she started crying and I felt terrible. I almost started crying while I was driving her to school. And I'm thinking "What is wrong with me?" Then I realized, oh yeah, it's Miranda. That's the name of our baby who died.
I just can't control it. Even if I'm not thinking about it, in fact, usually when I'm not thinking about it, it's like my body reacts and pulls me down into sadness.
It doesn't help that it's the icky part of winter when I'm suddenly getting really sick of it.
On Valentine's Day 2003 or thereabouts, we went to a fantastic, funny play and I felt so happy and light. Then a couple days later the world came crashing down. So excuse me if I hate Valentine's Day as a reminder of loss, a reminder of how fragile happiness can be.
Maybe I'll be able to reframe it as Lily gets older and we do fun things together for Valentine's Day. This is really the first year she's been aware of it, and both John and I got her cards, and she's exchanging Valentines in school today. I just hope I didn't ruin her day with my anger over the pee on the floor. Probably not. She's more resilient than I am.
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Oh, wow, Carrie. I didn't remember that it was during this time of the year. It's so sad.
I think you're right about Lily being resilient about that incident. I know that you probably snapped out of it in front of her quicker than you think you did. Sometimes I think back and realize that much of my anger and angst was being held inside, even if I was hollering. We probably hold most of it in, especially when our maternal instincts take over.
I think making Valentine's with her will soon carry quite the momentum year to year.
Loves and hugs from Auntie Chris.
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