The Last Poop

Oh, what a fiasco! The poop sampling, I mean. The last one was just a keystone cops of poop, I tell you.

First, I had "help." From Lily, that is. Somehow I'd managed the other samples while she was busy with Daddy or out of the house. Not this time. And was she ever curious. "Let me see your poop!" Well, what are you gonna say? I mean, I see her poop all the time. And she's proud of it, lately, because she's pooping in her little potty. She'll close the door and you have to wait outside, then she'll bring her potty to you--"Look at the poop I made!" It seemed cruel to tell her that adults really don't get that excited about poop.

Second, I'm valiantly attempting not to thwart my child's curiosity, or warp her idea of poop, when I hear the little hat fall into the toilet. You know what I mean, right? The little hat they give you to go into that hangs under the toilet seat but over the water? Yeah, well, it fell in. Super. So I'm trying to retreive it without it falling all the way in and submerging, rendering my sample inadmissible. I manage to save some of it, so I set it aside.

Third. I flush the rest of the crap, and the toilet overflows. Son of a ! The water is rising and I'm trying frantically to shut off the valve and I can't remember which way to turn the knob! I know it's righty tighty, lefty loosy, but is it righty offy, lefty onny, or vice versa?! I somehow manage to cut it off before it gets to the top. I get the plunger, which turns out to be a floppy piece of crap that turns inside out with each push, and Lily is meanwhile asking what I'm doing and why, and my patience is being severely tested. Then I hear Nora arrive downstairs. Oh, joy, let's have a poop party where everyone in the neighborhood gets to see Mommy's poop!! I send Lily downstairs to intercept Nora, but of course Lily brings her upstairs to see this fascinating event!

I tell her "You don't want to come in here" and leave it at that, and luckily she is able to get Lily to go downstairs to play, instead of staying to watch Mommy play with her poop.