Hallucinating?

I'm taking Ambien CR for sleep, and guess what? I'm not sleeping! I just feed the baby and here I am, writing. Feeling pukey. I haven't written here in a while because it's all just been a bit overwhelming.

I'm on my third winter cold/stomach thing. Winter? you say? Isn't it April? Uh, yes, that is also my query. It was snowing today and in the 30's. Two days ago we had 30mph winds and ice pellets, the day John had changed his bike tires for spring weather. He drove that day. I hibernated, crabbily.

The weather is really affecting my mood and whether and I'm getting out of the house, which is in part affected by how sick I am. I'm also on new preventive meds for my headaches, and just this week reached the goal dose so will now flatten out on that and get used to it, after a month of ramping up.

We used the last bag of frozen breast milk on Lily's 10-month birthday a couple days ago, which means my frozen stuff lasted a whole month after I quite pumping. Impressive. Say it's impressive, dammit! So I feel sad. The end of an era. An epic I never knew I'd be so big a part of for so long. Of course now I feel useless. I'm just a name, Mom, but what do I really provide? I know, shut up. Hey, I told you I need to get out more, if it would just stop frickin' snowing. Every time it warms up we race outside for a family walk and bask in the light.

So, no, I'm not sleeping well. And this stupid Ambien only seems to make me hallucinate. Not a side effect I'm fond of. Think I'll go back to the Klonipin. Meanwhile, I'm down to pumping about once every couple of days, and yesterday I stopped wearing a bra 24/7 for the first time in 10 months. No bra, no leaky pads, I felt naked. Wow, it's nice. They still get a bit sore, and that's when I know I need to pump to get some relief, but mostly I'm done with it. Phew! And I thought it would never END!!!

It's only 2 weeks until I go visit my family and I'm on my own with Lily. I hope we'll be okay with Wendy's help the first few days. I know it will be a respite but also really hard for John to be away from Lily for that long. I hope Lily can stand it, she is always so wiggly and thrilled to see him every day when he comes home from work. I hope we can enjoy that First Class seat from Uncle Mikey, what a prince!