The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

That's what my day was like today. Or I guess it's yesterday now, I just haven't gotten to bed yet and it's past 2am.

The Good: the breastfeeding is going much smoother now, usually not a wrestling match. Lily latches on and is quiet and steady and happy. The LC (lactation consultant) said I should be more of a "drill sergeant" in getting her to eat faster, that when she stops sucking, I need to immediately rub her arm or back or tickle her to get her going again. Excuse me, a "drill sergeant"? Is that really necessary, to go all militant on my baby? Other than for my convenience, why does she have to eat faster? Won't that just make her spit up more? In the hospital they were more concerned about making sure she was pacing herself, stopping to breathe and slow down. That seems more like it to me. I'm a slow eater, always have been, and I'm told that's good for my digestion. So why should I force my baby into bad eating habits?

The Bad: Headache. Right between the eyes. Probably because of the weather. We keep getting storms and low pressure systems, which create high pressure systems in my head. The Percoset I was using had suddenly started making me throw up after I swallowed it, even though it had worked fine before. So they gave me Vicadin, which always makes me think of Bret Favre and my gall bladder attacks. Well, you would think Vicadin would kick the headache to the curb, but no. The Vicadin does almost nothing. So I went back to the Perco today and cut it up and took it in shifts with water and food in between and that seemed to work. And it helps much more with the headache. It makes me drowsy and relaxed, which is good, but also bad because I get so sleepy I go cross-eyed when I'm breastfeeding because breastfeeding releases more sleepy chemicals, Prolactin, I think.

The Ugly: I got overwhelmed tonight because of all the little details piled onto lack of sleep. I breastfed Lily at 1am and it went fine, she did great. But the breast she wasn't latched onto leaked all over her sleeper, so I had to change it. Then I held her for a while because I love holding her, but also because the Pede says holding the baby upright for 20 minutes after she finishes eating can help prevent spit up. So I put her in her crib, all nice and sleepy, and guess what? A spit up explosion! Out the mouth, the nose, it was a wonder her head wasn't spinning around like in The Exorcist! I scooped her up and away to the changing table to clean her up and it just kept coming up no matter what I did. I felt so bad for her, that barf through the nose just can't feel good. Po baby. So I started crying. She seemed to be pretty calm, though. So I woke up John and he held her while I cleaned up the barf and the barf rags and myself and went to pump the overflowing breast. Jeez.

But let's go back to the Good. I'm feeling closer to my baby lately. I love holding her and kissing her and looking into her eyes. I feel so happy when I can comfort her when she's upset. It feels good that she and I are figuring out together how to do the breastfeeding thing, because it is a joint effort. In fact, I find that when she nurses, I am less sore than when I pump. And they do get sore, these milk machines. Sometimes I get really cranky about it. Anyway, I remember when I first held Lily in the hospital and she felt so fragile and tiny. Then when we got her home, I still felt awkward holding her, picking her up, trying to support her head and hug her body, and just carry her around. Now it feels right, like I know where she fits. That's a really satisfying feeling, affirming that I am THE MOMMY.